Daily Communication

Learned: Did I learn anything? JR’s BF is from back east and can build decks. Taking Airborne® helps, but it’s no miracle cure. The decrease of my serotonin drugs leaves me stuttering a little, and maybe involuntarily “voicing.” After all that fuss, LG isn’t coming to the Fall Gathering. On Twitter, Daniel Franzese’s @RealItalianMom said, “Thank you, sweetie, God bless you” in response to my acknowledgment, which was as heart-warming as it gets. That I have several ACA-type indicators, altered by my Landmark program memory. You mustn’t take ibuprofen the week of your colonoscopy. That the U.S. is globally thought to be among the worst of the menacing countries, right up there with Afganistan, Israel, North Korea and Saudi Arabia.

3. The End of Daylight Savings Time. Triggers. Forgiveness. 3.

Seems: Like I say things about how my health seems, yet rarely do anything different about it. Like with some people, there’s just no point in further attempts. Like I’m a big NO to staring anything cyclical these days. Like I wouldn’t stay with any kind of 12-step program, so starting one is unlikely. Seems like I don’t need a deep program, but I’m curious to find if I am as numbed out as I have always felt I am. Like I’m searching for answers but have unclear questions. Like people don’t get terrorism when it’s delivered by a white body. (Something must have gone wrong!) Like the only way to end the crazy gun massacres in the future is to put down some heavy background check laws, semi-automatic weapon restrictions, and stop being bullied by gun lobbies and their pet politicians. It may also help if we stop supplying 33% of the weapons to countries ruled by dictators.

Altering Habit(s):

Continue letting go (to make it easy), especially of significance and anxiety. Also, consider well before just letting go.
Seek out opportunities for TRUE REHAB.
Look at what I wrote for new habits last time.
Copy and paste if you can’t remember.
Allow excitement.
Look at Game, calendar daily. DON’T Miss even ONE DAY! (I need to work on this one)
Have breakfast. (I need to work on this one)
CREATE Daily reading time
Kneel for the National Anthem until the police are sorted.
Have days where I don’t buy something. PLEASE!
(Recognize online shopping is a habit, not a pure necessity.)
Read this every day, and comment.

Accomplished: Another grocery order made and delivered since the first was insufficient. Planning AND shopping done for NB’s birthday, hope he doesn’t have to bake his own damn cake! More rearranging of hoarded items, yet nothing jettisoned. Dreaming is back, and slightly uncomfortable. May start closing my door to sleep lest I start voicing parts of the dream.

Thinking about: How I’m going to make it through the week without ibuprofen. Fasting all day on Wednesday and drinking gluck for colonoscopy. What it would be like to be so crazy that I’d go into a small-town church and just wipe a bunch of people out. Not sure I can relate. Can more empathize with the survivors. PTSD.

Q: Hmm… If you had everything you needed and everything you wanted, what would you need and want then?

Video: https://vimeo.com/240130084 +bonus https://vimeo.com/thelostavocado/lostinrotterdam

Reading: “Running on Empty” by Jonice Webb, Ph.D., and “The ACA Handbook” — the stuff of nightmares.

On hold: “Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “A Wall Between” by Anne Braden, and soon will listen to “We Were Eight Years in Power: An American Tragedy” by Ta-Nehisi Coates. Also reviewing “A Thousand Words for Joy” by Byron Katie.

Learned: Listened to this band Dire-Maker’s music @DireMakerBand. Why? Saturday, I sent a tweet to the Mayor of San Juan, PR, Carmen Yilín-Cruz (@CarmenYulinCruz), and Senator Bernie Sanders (@SenSanders), and whoever writes tweets for the band added to what I said, and it’s been my most liked tweet of all-time. We are forever linked by the message. People are still liking it. People love Bernie Sanders. He’s a good human. Speaking of good humans, PB is joining DA and me for our weekly call. A structure is born, for which I am the glue. I also learned a bit about D3.js coding as well as more about SVG, HTML5 & CSS. Will I remember? Remember what? Where I put my notes. Maybe.

3. Trustable instincts. The long view. River beds. 3.

Seems: Like I’m more apt to connect with total strangers than people with whom I already have a relationship. Like I am easily distracted. Like I am supposed to finish my game today but I won’t.

New Habit(s):

Continue letting go (to make it easy), especially of significance and anxiety.
Seek out opportunities for REHAB.
Look at what I wrote for new habits last time.
Copy and paste if you can’t remember.
Allow excitement.
Look at Game, calendar daily.
Have breakfast.
CREATE Daily reading time
Kneel for the National Anthem until the police are sorted.
Have days where I don’t buy something.
(Recognize online shopping is a habit, not a pure necessity.)

Accomplished: Sent a note to “Body Mint” customer service regarding the weird taste of pills. Received tiny Italian cake mold that I might make fruitcakes in this winter. Stopped coughing so much. Listened to some good random music on Soundcloud. Grocery order placed, soon to be delivered.

Thinking about: How having a cold is a trip. Backup singers and how I never became one. The lovely stature and influence of the actor Daniel Franzese, who I quoted and tagged in twitter today. Kleenex, Grocery Delivery. Neighborhood full of skulls and doorknockers.

Q: Today’s question is sort of Halloweeny – If there was a machine you could go into and come out in a perfectly sensational “Alter Ego” costume (not just a costume, but as the actual alter ego), what/who would you be?

My Answer: I have a lot of combo-ing to do here. I can’t just be a French revolutionary anymore, too much has happened. Plus everyone thought I was a pirate. SO, I’d be a male-to-female trans lounge singer referred to as either THEY or THEM, with a 60s style beehive hair-do, big sparkly earrings, and long eyelashes, but this face. It’s a kind of drag look, but I am still pretty manish. The thing is, I’d need to have several instruments, like the accordion, piano, harp, theremin… and a couple of musicians as part of it. We could do any song that was requested, and in between, there’d be words of wisdom, jokes, and games for people to play to win cash and prizes. My speaking voice would be the same as it is now. My outfit would have endless multiple changes built right in, like transformers. I could also shapeshift toward any animal OR PAINTING facially by around 35% and have a singing range that overhangs both ends of a standard keyboard.

Video: https://vimeo.com/223503242 +bonus https://vimeo.com/13898084

Reading: “Running on Empty” by Jonice Webb, PhD
On hold:“Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “A Wall Between” by Anne Braden, and soon will listen to “We Were Eight Years in Power: An American Tragedy” by Ta-Nehisi Coates. Also reviewing “A Thousand Words for Joy” by Byron Katie.

Learned: A wee bit about the subtle impacts of emotional neglect. That I am apt to stay up late researching something in my own exciting environment with its good wifi and machines within reach. Several of JR’s classes were canceled this week. M asked to see the space station video a second time, so now I want to send one every time.

3. Last day of heat wave. Afternoon naps during the lightly scheduled days after travel. Trail mix with bits of chocolate. 3.

Seems: Like I’m slow to start a new habit that is designed to cancel out a questionable one, or that I believe I’m not really going to do it. Like part of what I would like to confront is my apparent lack of clear emotionality (I often seem like Spock of Star Trek, at least to myself). Like I’ve got it right on the days I can stay in my pajamas (yoga clothes). Like it’s time for a new meditation. Like committing to taking radical new actions always involves giving up pleasure.

New Habit(s):

Continue letting go (to make it easy), especially of significance and anxiety.
Seek out opportunities for REHAB.
Look at what I wrote for new habits last time.
Copy and paste if you can’t remember.
Allow excitement.
Look at Game, calendar daily.
Have breakfast.
CREATE Daily reading time
Kneel for the National Anthem until the police are sorted.
Have days where I don’t buy something.
(Recognize online shopping is a habit, not a pure necessity.)

Accomplished: Worked on and shared new game “Taking My Life Back: REHAB.” Hung new moth trap in pantry. Started laundry. Put new light switch in Bathroom (on shelf, with screwdrivers). Have pretty well adapted to using correct apostrophes and quote punctuation.

Thinking about: Brother, Cancer, Parents, what’s up with my past emotional development, being courageous, radical and confronting with and in the face of my chronic dis-ease. How to play my game AND have my annual holiday.

Q, encore: Could you list your top 3 shouldn’t be’s and then instantly be with the reality of them? (3 things you resist as they are, declare and be complete.)

My Answer to that: See last submission.

Video: https://youtu.be/S_q7CqElaSk +bonus https://youtu.be/Z2szk-NuKWg

Reading: “Running on Empty” by Jonice Webb, PhD
On hold:“Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “A Wall Between” by Anne Braden, and soon will listen to “We Were Eight Years in Power: An American Tragedy” by Ta-Nehisi Coates. Also reviewing “A Thousand Words for Joy” by Byron Katie.

Learned: Fats Domino was still alive but is now dead. Same deal with Robert Guillaume. Fats was of Haitian descent. Robert wasn’t; he just adopted the name Guillaume because it is William in French and his real last name is Williams. He had a son who died of AIDS is 1990. The flight attendant who snack-shamed me a couple of years ago still works the same route on Virgin American. She was nicer this time, but still showed signs of passive-aggressivism. Looking at your phone while crossing the street in Honolulu became a finable offense today.

3. NPR. Row 3 on Virgin America flights. Uber Drivers. 3.

Seems: Like I really messed up my back while packing to come home. Like I have a nice apartment when I come home to it clean. Like I’ll need to take it pretty easy today.

New Habit(s): (I now have to fill this in every day to see what sticks.) Continue letting go, especially of significance and anxiety. Seek out opportunities for REHAB. Look at what I wrote for new habits last time. Copy and paste if you can’t remember. Allow excitement. Look at Game, calendar daily. Have breakfast. Kneel for the National Anthem until the police are sorted. Have days where I don’t buy something. (Recognize online shopping is a habit, not a pure necessity.)

Accomplished: Travelled home and made it. Unpacked almost completely. Enjoyed being home.

Thinking about: Brother struggling with Cancer, going in for another chemo treatment today. Parents supporting brother struggling with Cancer.

Q: Could you list your top 3 shouldn’t be’s and then instantly be with the reality of them? (3 things you resist as they are, declare and be complete.)

My Answer to that:
1. The President. Would need to give stuff up endlessly, so not a powerful yes unless I say “because who I am is empowering effective leadership.”
2. Natural disasters. Accept them well these days, it’s the aftermath/response that hooks me. Can I go to nothing and just be with it, including imagined suffering. Yep.
3. Racism/Supremacy. I do acknowledge and accept it is wherever it is right now. I want to be on the big team to move us, the human race, out of it. Will take some ongoing getting to nothing, as I get not all humans would like it to go the way I see is possible.

Video: https://youtu.be/E4q5j8KLOvo +bonus https://youtu.be/84w6qZMa3hE

Reading on hold, but: “Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “A Wall Between” by Anne Braden, and soon will listen to “We Were Eight Years in Power: An American Tragedy” by Ta-Nehisi Coates. Also reviewing “A Thousand Words for Joy” by Byron Katie.

Learned: I’m fussy. If I sign on to Youtube Sweden and play videos, I actually understand a little tiny bit. My parents keep the house pretty warm these days. I still fatigue out like ever before. There are awesome people on twitter who don’t have a lot of followers.

3. Something new to break the monotony. Monotony to break. Fried seasoned potato wedges from the Safeway Deli. 3.

Seems: Like I will successfully dodge the idea of getting together with old friends. Like my health impacts being social, but it seems like a character flaw. Like I’m not holding up my end of the deal and not doing what I said I would, and I have a good excuse. Like I’ve said that before. Seems like the prednisone isn’t working as well as it was.

New Habit(s): (I now have to fill this in every day to see what sticks.) If it’s anxiety, let it go. Allow excitement. Look at Game, calendar daily. Have breakfast. Kneel for the National Anthem until the police are sorted. Have days where I don’t buy something.

Accomplished: I’d really like to skip this because I’ll be stretching. Grocery shopping. WesternUnioning. Bank Calling. Weekly calls. Creating Registrar02. Call with him set for 4:30. This blog entry.

Thinking about: Soothing burning face. Rymdkanalen. Snacking.

Q: Do you watch the videos, or save them for later and never get back to them?

My Answer to that: I curate them, so I see them before they go out.

Video: https://youtu.be/j8KoFipe6G4 +bonus https://youtu.be/FEfUHOODeCM

Reading on hold, but: “Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “A Wall Between” by Anne Braden, and soon will listen to “We Were Eight Years in Power: An American Tragedy” by Ta-Nehisi Coates.

Learned: Colin Kaepernick is a high-ranking NFL quarterback who is being punished with unemployment for making a bold statement and having that statement turned into something else by our white supremacist president. The washing machine at my parents’ house won’t stay level. Brother had to go to the ER, too much pain. Bright sunshine coming through the windows, while I’m writing, perturbs me.

3. Gumbo, WiFi, and Internet Access. 3.

Seems: Like I don’t really want to get up and go anywhere, that I just want to get through it. Like it would be cool to go for a walk around here without getting hit by a speeding vehicle. Like I should visit my brother at the hospital since they are keeping him longer. Like if I went for a walk, I would walk too far and need to call for a ride back. Like there needs to be a store at the end of a walk to motivate me. Like I will never start the rehab I so desperately need. Like there is a strange extra pressure behind my eyes. Like character assassination of any civil rights leader may trigger me to use words that could leave you feeling belittled.

New Habit(s): (I now have to fill this in every day to see what sticks.) Let it be. Take some kind of action that reminds you of the power of taking a committed action. Kneel during the national anthem, but keep walking stick in hand so I can get up. Have days when I don’t buy things.

Accomplished: Packed and made it to Portland. Made a big pot of Gumbo (with help). Didn’t do much or even shower or change clothes until Sunday which is sort of the opposite of accomplishment. Ordered coffee and nylon balloon whisk so next time I make Gumbo, I don’t have to use that old wooden spoon.

Thinking about: Walking around Lake Grove, looking at things I haven’t seen for a long time, and also seeing new things. How with great coaching, Colin Kaepernick could be a super-highly rated NFL quarterback AND respected civil-rights leader.

Q, again: Imagine you have three weeks coming up where you will shut off your current life and do things just for fun and joy – no working! Where and What comes to mind?

My Answer to that: The first thing that comes to mind is I’d love to go to some kind of three-week-long rehab retreat where everything is good and healthy and far from the media circus, where the only intended outcome is rejuvenation. Someplace like Esalen. It would be nice to attract a new love interest while there and engage in the types of activities that people engage in when they are new to each other. And make some kind of art because my brain likes that.

Video: https://vimeo.com/238096496

Reading: “Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “A Wall Between” by Anne Braden

Learned: Santa Rosa, Napa, Sonoma on fire for a couple of days now. Much already burned away. Camp Newman gone. I say I like endings, didn’t mean to this level. The President is likely suffering from a combination of mental deficiencies and personality disorders that make him not just unfit, but dangerous in his current position. I like a show called “The Leftovers” of which I’d never heard. I do a good job on presentations.

3. Shelves. Ability to be with bad news after initial amygdala hijack. New Whey Liquid Protein. 3.

Seems: Like empowered context/invented life will be confronted/confronting, but probably still beats the alternative. Like the “taking my life back” game will need to be revised and replayed. Like a lot of the #resistance people on twitter might have had previous accounts, but made new ones just to say terrible things about political figures.

New Habit(s): (I now have to fill this in every day to see what sticks) Breathe. Only not too deeply if the air is full of smoke. Be super kind.

Accomplished: Read “The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump” by Bandy X. Lee — yep, he cray. Short bookshelf installed in bdrm, can get a few more loose items stowed where VCR/DVD/ancient stack ‘o tech & 15 yo dust was. Broke down boxes. Retrieved prescriptions. Sent in photos of spoiled tart cherry concentrate, replacement method devised. Wrote several notes to @realDonaldTrump that I’m sure very few people read.

Thinking about: Walking, and making other muscles sore habitually. The possibility of being courageous, radical and confronting, and the outcome is that humanity has the difficult conversations that transform us into the human race we long to be. Important: distinguish between the profound needs of the soul and a passing fancy.

Q: Imagine you have three weeks coming up where you will shut off your current life and do things just for fun and joy – no working! What comes to mind?

My Answer to yesterday’s: The angle of the sunlight and the way the colors change. Kids back in school. Soup and salad. Sweaters, I used to say, but now I only have one and never wear it. October is a good feeling. In my current phase, it feels like a well-deserved winding down.

Video: https://vimeo.com/159875640

Reading: “Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “A Wall Between” by Anne Braden

“How we go, IT goes.”

Learned: Yesterday was Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s Birthday. He’s only has a few more years than I. The new, game-changing book by 27 psychiatrists about DT pulls zero punches and is not a complaint, but a collection of astute assessments. It took DT being the president for me to realize the toxicity of my friendship with JG.

3. These days with less to do. How Neil DeGrasse Tyson communicates. 3.

Seems: Like 3 examples of what we like opens something up. Like I might have some of the symptoms of narcissism, but not pathological. Like somebody needs to be in charge who is not the person in charge. Like new trends are emerging, and a large twitter screen makes them easier to spot.

New Habit(s): listen to Pn Coaching, even if out of order. Keep it mellow and easy. Have sane meals. Graciously allow contribution. Breathe. Walk around Portland with old friends.

Accomplished: Fairly sane grocery order. Periodically reaffirmed wizardry.

Thinking about: The cool Manga Art of Taiyo Matsumoto.

Q: What do especially like about the beginning of fall?

Video: THIS

Reading: “The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump” by Bandy X. Lee, “Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “A Wall Between” by Anne Braden

Hahaha: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6htnsd2CW1rx0dwdo1_500.gif

Learned: That Hugh Heffner was still alive until just recently. The Dolores Huerta is 87, still alive and a documentary of her life has been made called, “Dolores.” “Carnival of Souls” is a 1962 American horror film starring Candace Hilligoss. Not usually my kind of thing, but I like the drawings of Nicolas de Crécy.

3. Automatic anything. October being the month of creepy. The end of a game no matter the result. 3.

Seems: Like I can make changing my mind, taking the easy way out or reconsidering a weakness and not a strength. Like doing the “right” thing can seem like the wrong thing. Like my attention span is in jeopardy if I have phone or laptop within reach.

New Habit(s): Breathe. Get better at sleeping. Covertly relate to self as a wizardly shaman instilled with untapped compassion for those who have yet to go through the spaces you’ve gone through to achieve what you’ve achieved. Keep it brief and to-the-point. No make-wrong – Recreate!

Accomplished: Recently? Binge watched “The Strain.” Looked at how I operate and chose to save a large reactivating program for a later date. Talked myself down from a PTSD reaction to hurricane relief efforts by tweeting to POTUS.

Thinking about: the 20 pounds that came back, or, the new 20 pounds. Actually lifting things with my arms. The patience required when reading a book that isn’t available as an audiobook. How we’ll need many new lawmakers to change the way the U.S. is turning out.

Q: Is it important to do impactful, fulfilling work, or is it enough to simply be and take occasional action?

My answer: I feel a deep need to sign up for large causes that may be confronting. I am not sure if it’s for the rush of making a difference or if it is truly selfless, possibly a combination. I like things to work. I can see how they might. I also like to witness when people feel uplifted. An occasional action is better than nothing. I still have my eye on looming larger – could be from those leadership classes, I feel like I’m wasting them if I don’t show up large.

Video: https://youtu.be/Q8XcAW3s-gg

Reading: “Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “A Wall Between” by Anne Braden

Learned: DA has people actively brain dumping ala “big paper” ala Mel Robins disappearing overwhelm. A YouTube search under “Reading From My” yields some gutwrenchingly bad stuff. On paper, I’ve been involved in some amazing stuff! KS is in an all-day conference.

3. That you* beat me to the punch, day after day. That people are brain-dumping. That I can talk myself off the ledge before verbally slapping the crap out of someone. 3.

Seems: Like all kinds of asshole people are empowered to publically say stupid stuff like their opinion is the truth. Like it might be a bad idea to communicate directly with the U.S. President with invitations to consider. Like I will make a lousy student with my unstable energy level. Like I can’t keep up as it is. Like it will be a mistake for me to sign up for the anti-racism program when I’m so angry. Like I’m about to bite off more than I can chew.

New Habit(s): Breathe. Get better at sleeping. Let go of have-tos that connect to your perception of what it takes to look good. Keep it brief and to-the-point. Not make-wrong – Recreate!

Accomplished: Made it through the weekend. Rough draft of Anne Braden Program application written. Didn’t send a retaliatory text message in response to racial insensitivity. Learned how to download all text messages to my Gmail account, just in case I need them later as evidence of harassment.

Thinking about: the incompleteness of the final roster. How I feel like my contribution is constantly invalidated by these so-called men. That I might need a vacation from the news as I am listening with anticipation for the three white-house generals to stage a coup de tat. How being accountable for more scares the crap out of me.

Q: What are you currently being critical of that you could be recreating?

My answer: I’m hearing everything through my “racism” filter, being intolerant and wishing to lash out, make wrong, plotting to invalidate contribution and destroy credibility. Also being critical of my weird, hoardery habit of eating stuff I would never admit. I had “Healthy Choice” Lasagne that had been in the freezer for years.

Video: https://youtu.be/-MTRxRO5SRA, bonus https://mel-robbins.mykajabi.com/p/31-sessions-overwhelmed (what I call “big paper”) (and what I should probably do today)

Reading: More like supposed to be reading. Revising application copy to include where my gaps are. I am determined to read something light and helpful today. I am getting a bit intense.

*There is a designated person who reads these who I often refer to as “you.”