Daily Communication

Learned: Hurricane Maria is a category 3. That a handful of people may be reading me now. Grammarly isn’t working in my Gmail again, which feels dangerous. If you send a note to Grammarly on Twitter, someone asks for your email address so you can get tech support. Hurricane Maria is a category 5. RK shrunk the tumor. The CIA, The U.S. Airforce, Greta Garbo and I have the same birthday, but they are all older (or dead). That Gene Brendler was the name of the KPTV VO guy that said, “One moment, please…” Hurricane Maria is a category 3. Dominica, St. Croix and Puerto Rico got hit by Maria.

3. Extension Cords. 56. The letting go of significance. 3.

Seems: Like at the rate I’m producing, this should be called “weekly communication.” Like it’s possible that I’ve never focused on accomplishing just one thing well outside of art-making. Like I will need to find solid ways to listen and embrace the religious, the resistance, the fight and the struggle without taking it on. If people are reading me, it seems like I should be more cheerful in order to promote cheerfulness. Like DA sees something new possible by distinguishing that he has “manufacturing in China” experience.

New Habit/todo: Getting out of bed. Leaving the house. Open the mail. Fill out forms. End habit of ordering footwear online and not returning it when it doesn’t work. +protein +color in diet. Deposit checks. Allow more indulgence so there won’t be a need for binging. Get up and get to work.

Accomplished: Birthday Lunch with Steve. Ate no cake & ice cream on birthday. Studied 5 languages on Wildcard Wednesday. Walked to Mission & 23 Walgreens, found 2 for $4.00 86% chocolate and those energy bar bagel things I used to love, plus fresh prunes in the produce market. Ate Cake & Ice Cream on Wildcard Wednesday, when anything can happen!

Thinking about: Semi-indulgent snacking. Those tostadas at Casa de Rios in Portland. What if I returned to the work of the living?

Q: What word or combination of words gives you instant access to a new way of being?

My Answers: は! (HA!)

Video: Click here, it’s on FB

Reading: The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins, all the names of closed Portland Businesses on the Dead Memories Portland FB Page, and all the names of people who FB’d me a HB. www.facebook.com/groups/deadmemoriesportland

Learned: A catchupy day doesn’t necessarily come with fries. DA called yesterday evening and I haven’t checked the VM yet. FL is eager to connect with DA, and I haven’t connected them yet. DA heading to Humboldt. The X in iPhone X is pronounced “ten.” There are currently few laws making your face, or an image of your face, your personal property. If you are in an accident and your face is damaged, the new iPhone X may not recognize you and you will not be able to call for help. TC and I are in touch on “Handout” – the dyslexic version of Hangout. TC prefers the initials “TC” over the other options. Tautology = saying the same thing twice only in different ways.

3. Getting more sleep in the morning after not sleeping well in the night. Getting an email from my lovely doctor in Uganda. Desk facing the door. 3.

Seems: Like I got inspired to reconstitute myself as the possibility of being courageous, radical and confronting, and the outcome is that humanity has the difficult conversations that transform us to the human race we long to be. Like the headache and pain in the middle of my back is worsened by unresolved dehydration from the heat wave weekend. Like it’s taking an awfully long time to put together the case to prosecute and impeach the current president and his crones. Like getting more sleep in the morning establishes the day as half-wasted. Like building momentum is out of reach and contraction in inevitable. Like communication could be largely related to as what is released or un-withheld.

New Habit: I am starting a new habit this morning. Sitting up at my new OLD desk to write vs. twisting around in bed to attempt to say what needs to be said. A good start. I’ll call it “getting out of bed.” (Having written this here last time had me get out of bed to finish writing this.)

Accomplished: Put something here. Fixed broken kettle since they wouldn’t take it back but refunded me anyway. Got reimbursed for something else I bought twice by saying “I wasn’t well at the time.”

Thinking about: How behind I feel. JB’s deep illness and sleeplessness.How Grammarly being down can be dangerous, now that I’m dependent on it.

Q: (i.e.): If we are the counting species, how would life be if we related to one or once as enough (instead of three or “more”)?

Q: Could you stop counting? The answer is no, you could not stop counting.

Q: What are you counting that, no matter what the number, is not enough?

My Answers: Well, I would love the freedom from longing for another. It would solve many of my dietary/inventory issues, and transform choosing from deciding from what’s already known, to really creating and choosing in the moment. I think it would include a lot more forgetting, but not the kind that is a problem. I could just say “I knew that once.” End of story.

A: Could you stop counting? Yeah, at this point, we all have the OCD of counting. We can’t stop measuring. We have developed a world that can mostly be broken down to some kind of number system.

A: Amount left is often not enough (e.g., I’m on my last bottle of seltzer and it’s only the 13th). Where my body weight is concerned, it’s actually too much, or the inverse is that I HAVEN’T LOST ENOUGH. If beauty can be measured, I’ve lost too much, even though I get that is a past-based conversation about missed opportunities for getting attention.

Video: https://youtu.be/LDcm6twPEJA

Reading: I want to read something, and I don’t feel free to spend the time.

Learned: I’m still attracted to saddish songs. I wake up a lot when there is a psychological thriller playing on the TV. Sitting up in a regular chair (not bar-stool or counter height) and writing is better than I thought it would be.

3. Transformation wants to happen as a natural occurrence. Humans resist transformation but love it when it happens. The safety in familiarity. 3.

Seems: Like when I hear my current theme songs, it seems my heart is a little sad and a little hopeful. Like humans must count, measure and judge. That I can be seen from the front window. Like I’m afraid of messing up projects now that I’ve bungled the wall where I wanted to install shelf. Like making it easy means getting someone else to do it.

New Habit: I am starting a new habit this morning. Sitting up at my new OLD desk to write vs. twisting around in bed to attempt to say what needs to be said. A good start. I’ll call it “getting out of bed.”

Accomplished: There was a desk that I thought was for me and I took a chance and sent money and guys, and boom now I’m sitting at it.

Thinking about: What if I picked one as enough instead of three or five? Getting on with the completion of that which has me prostrate. And, still thinking about going back to bed. It’s a habit.

Q: What if one/once was enough (instead of three or “more”)? Could you stop counting? What are you counting that means not enough?

Video: https://youtu.be/w6T02g5hnT4

Reading: Old emails I didn’t understand the first time around.

Learned: Letting go can feel so good, like a freedom you never knew you could have. A person of color can’t not experience me as a white person until after they get to know and trust me, but I can and do see them as a regular person, free of the trappings of what they look like, but get that’s part of what they might need me to not say. Said another way, I say I can experience a person as a person, but there is no need for me to say it like that if it might not land how I want it to. When people show up, deep down, they want to love whatever they get from having shown up. My friend FL in Sabastapol wants to get into high-finance for the canna industry.

3. Making my life about inclusivity. Wondering how to write about inclusivity in a way that creates enrollment in the possibility of people seeing one-another as who they are, past the regular qualities of skin, teeth, and hair. Ice. 3.

Seems: Like this year’s hurricanes are stronger than ever and humanity is gonna get mowed down by Irma. Like I’m not the man I used to be, or maybe I should say not the skilled handy worker-bee that I once was. Like I can get better sleep, and better skin, if I leave home. Like messes are the enemy.

Habit(s): I’m thinking the strongest new habit that I have from the “New Habits” category is copying and pasting habits I was working on in the past. I look forward to developing myself in new ways but am not committed to publishing something that is no longer happening. Nice try! My actual new habits include eating dark chocolate daily.

Accomplished: 141 was the final count for gathering. Gave notice of retirement from being the registrar. Enrolled and registered replacement. Lunch with RG today, a new connection!

Thinking about: Walking with Christopher and Lamont at 8:00 a.m. Cleaner living. Cleaning the very fragrant golden milk spill from the carpet next to my bed. How f’d up the kitchen wall is after I prepped it to mount floating shelf.

Q: Repeated: What makes it beautiful when it’s really hot out? (extended version, not just “AC”)

My Answer: The only true answer is AC, but also can include iced drinks, ice cream, shade, breeze, night-time, etc…

AudioVideo: https://youtu.be/H846A-eN89c

Reading: www.vice.com

 

Learned: DA can say a missed call is okay, and so it is. The Camp Lady cannot go one year without pulling some last-minute oh-by-the-way that takes me hours to recover from. Today’s stress compared to a year ago was comparable. I’ve lost ground. I’m looking forward to it all working out. Colleen has gone and reinvented herself with a brand new game.

3. The possibility of inventing one’s self/life brand-newly. Stopping everything in the middle and self-caring. Taking someone up on their offer to help and not squirming about it. 3.

Seems: Like even when I am stressed, I am a clearing for gratitude and possibility being expressed. Like being the registrar is a cyclical breakdown against my commitment to feeling good and having fun.

New Habit(s): Stop touching your face. Take a break. Only drink things with zero calories. Create and use a Sleep Ritual. Record intake. Plan Ahead. Healthy Fats. Smart Carbs. Lean Protein (at every meal). 5 colors a day. 80% full. Slow down. Make time. Breathe.

Accomplished: The ins and the outs, and one back in, maybe. And now, two transfers. Two outs going to Houston to help instead, which feels like a win, and one more to win my personal “143” game, not counting the outs. I think it’ll be 140 by Saturday. 137.

Thinking about: All those dang head shots I’ve worked and it’s still a clunky layout with missing pieces. How tired my body is from hovering over the computer since Friday or Saturday. Retirement.

Q: What makes it beautiful when it’s really hot out? (extended version, not just “AC”)

A: (to last time): I haven’t answered the one about what do I do for fun, yet. My mom asked me. I felt on the spot just like I always have when I don’t have an answer like I should – something spectacular and awe-inspiring. I obsessively look at photos on the internet of odd things that come from oddly paired words, and I especially like paintings, odd photos, coffee cups that aren’t stupid (rare) and other utilitarian items. I also find it fun to purchase items on Amazon. I study languages for no reason. I’ll start up a Udemy lesson on something I’ve never studied just to see if I can get it. I find some of my own thoughts amusing. It really doesn’t take much. I am a highly content individual with little need for glamorous distractions, plus having a fatigue disease has been good training for simulating contentedness. Accomplishment and progress are fun. Feeling good, or even better is fun. Being ADORABLE is super-fun!

Video: https://youtu.be/uiL8OF56dxg

Reading: Tiny little Instagram comments, and my own mind.

Learned: My mom thinks I need to be more social, to share myself with more people. If you ask for a brief testimonial from a solid enthusiast, you will likely get it. I get to call a nice 83-year-old man today and let him know we think it’s in his best interest to skip the gathering this year. I am experiencing turning people away for lack of funds, my least favorite thing to do.

3. Ghirardelli 86% Cacao Midnight Reverie Intense Dark Chocolate. Bactroban Mupirocin Calcium Cream 2%. Jambalaya Vindaloo. 3.

Seems: Like I am mixed up in my mother’s manifest-destiny belief that expansion, (i.e., weight gain) is justified and inevitable. Like even though I don’t believe that, it still seems to be true. Like I am most grateful for consumer goods. Like there are No Guarantees, even though it seems like there are.

New Habit(s): Take a break. Only drink things with zero calories. Create and use a Sleep Ritual. Record intake. Plan Ahead. Healthy Fats. Smart Carbs. Lean Protein (at every meal). 5 colors a day. 80% full. Slow down. Make time. Breathe.

Accomplished: 133 and rising.

Thinking about: Becoming a different part of the machine. Retirement. Senior Discounts.

Q: What do you do strictly for fun?

Video: https://youtu.be/D7CH9cRN8Rg

Reading: Product labels. Closed captions for the hearing impaired. Numbers on clocks.

 

Learned: We’re on G: Daily Communication now. There’s this new Miller High-Life commercial that came out right on the heels of Charlottesville that uses the old 60’s jingle as sung in the 60’s and I am suspicious that they either are or want to be the official beer of the white supremacy movement.

3. Sufficient registrations for an event that I don’t have to scramble at the end. Being less pestered and obsessed by how many hours of sleep I got. That my beautiful doctor is super-busy and delegating items on the list I sent. 3.

Seems: Like I don’t like to quit on things unfinished, so I’m a hoarder of incomplete projects. Like I love to start something new. Like it’s hard to keep all the varieties of milk we like in just one refrigerator. Like I’m supposed to always come up with three.

New Habit(s) (coming clean): Virtually stuck Take a break. Only drinking things with zero calories, which I never did. Create and use a Sleep Ritual, spotty performance. Record intake – used to, stopped. Plan Ahead – um, sort of in a random way. Healthy Fats – yes, if cocoa butter counts. Smart Carbs (more or less) Lean Protein (at every meal) – I am making it difficult to find/prepare. 5 colors a day. (Who is counting? Not me.) 80% full – never really got this one. Slow down – sure. Make time – I get that. Breathe – try and stop me! Use curly quotes and apostrophes. Okay.

Accomplished: 124 registrations for the men’s gathering. Developed habits and lost some just like a regular human. Left a message for A-B’s doctor to ask her to call him to discuss his coming to the gathering.

Thinking about: If I had a car, I’d drive with the intention of getting lost just for the pleasure of it. How close I am to giving up on my game and just being fat and weak because it is easy, but you know I don’t like quitting on things unfinished. Being a Grown Up. Loving Authenticity

Q: Crap, what was it again? Oh, yeah, what’s something you have to do that you are currently not doing because you don’t want to do it?

My answer is “A lot of things.” It all starts with getting out of bed. I have a habit of staying there next to my pills where it’s safe and warm; where I can indulge the expansion of my highly entertaining interior world.

Video: https://youtu.be/l4IeNGE2qX8

Reading: Not today.

Learned: We’re almost out of Fs. DA is reviewing the manly course, while I am doing another gay guy gathering. Perhaps we should switch. Jerry Lewis is dead. Eclipse today, but I’m lazy, not enrolled. Back-to-school. Jen will be studying Landscape Architecture and sticking around.

3. Getting a little eclipse bath while listening to the end of “The Bell Jar.” Not dying from eating bad food. Being super gassy from eating the right food. 3.

Seems: Like things are working and I’m simultaneously kidding myself. Like confusion is the source of suffering. Like pills are the structure for keeping disease in existence. Achey seemingly never ends. Tired seems ever-present.

New Habit(s): I wonder if I’ll ever catch up. Take a break. Only drinking things with zero calories. Create and use a Sleep Ritual. Record intake. Plan Ahead. Healthy Fats. Smart Carbs. Lean Protein (at every meal). 5 colors a day. 80% full. Slow down. Make time. Breathe. Start.

Accomplished: 108 registrations, 47 of them in the past 9 days, the rest over six weeks. 11 days to go. I’ll take 36 more. Started watching “Outlander” which is a lot racier than I would expect from a show my mother recommended. Watched several episodes, now I get it.

Thinking about: Reinventing. I like plenty about what I’ve created, but what I’ve created seems to hold me in a sort-of identity.

Q: Can you be still and wait for the right moment to act? How will you know it is the right moment to act?

My answer to the last question, “What are you trying to prove, and to whom?” I’m trying to prove that I’m mostly okay and that I’m getting stronger and on my way to being hotter and more sought-after than ever. This would be an image. I would still likely go home at the end of the day and fall into bed exhausted and alone, and that would really suit me fine.

Video: https://youtu.be/f55QO2isoKM

Reading: Finished “The Bell Jar.” Getting back into “A Thousand Names for Joy” by Byron Katie. A favorite.

Learned: Special Evening about the Landmark Forum could seem really odd if you had never been to one. They have snacks before the Special Evening now. The Landmark Forum in SF is $730, $200 deposit. The registration manager will play a payment plan game with you if you have money concerns. Larry Pearson is leading the next one, mid-Sept. White supremacy is still a thing.

3. The ability to walk several blocks wearing shoes and sitting in a chair for 3+ hours. That Dragonflies don’t bite people. Being powerful in an area of life despite being powerless in another. 3.

Seems: Like I drank the cool-aid and so did lots of other people. Like I ate the donuts but nobody else did. Everything happens at once. Like I’m just making stuff up. Like I should feel lonely, but I don’t – I feel pestered with too much attention.

New Habit(s): Stop taking a break. Take a break. Only drinking things with zero calories. Create and use a Sleep Ritual. Record intake. Plan Ahead. Healthy Fats. Smart Carbs. Lean Protein (at every meal). 5 colors a day. 80% full. Slow down. Make time. Breathe.

Accomplished: One of my guests registered for the Landmark Forum. He is very excited and already getting the aliveness factor from having registered. I get some aliveness from this. Last Friday CMG reg = 66, today (9 days later) 103.

Thinking about: Sleeping for the rest of the day. When I don’t send something that I say on the day I say it, I think about modifying it on the day I send it to match the story I was telling, but sometimes it’s a pretty good idea to let it ride.

Q: What are you trying to prove, and to whom? (and, what course!?)

Video: https://vimeo.com/229969339 (looks fun, hope it works)

Reading: Nothing specific for the past few days. Scrambling. I can’t do as much as I thought I could.

Learned: 32″ Flat Screen was the right size for the front room. I can still do manly stuff like get down on the ground and relight hot water heater pilot lights. Many days go by, and here we are. Spills discombobulate me. I am still used by some version of “I know they won’t like me, so why bother.” By some, I could be perceived as a “pot-bellied, avuncular, classic elder-hippy who gets stoned and talks about Allan Watts and Phish.” Too many projects half done = a hot mess. A broken bottle of ferric chloride = chemical spill.

3. The ability to make something or someone neither wrong nor right. The ability to validate any point of view whilst still wanting to lock people up who have their minds on harming others. 3.

Seems: Like Dan & Lil’ are still on vacation. Like I am way busier than I should be, and doing things I hadn’t planned on. Like it would be easier to not have aspirations that don’t come ready-made. Like I’m on edge, moody, using curse words out of frustration.

New Habit(s) that can return if I be determined, enthusiastic and committed: Take a break (and stuck there) Only drinking things with zero calories. Create and use a Sleep Ritual. Record intake. Plan Ahead. Healthy Fats. Smart Carbs. Lean Protein (at every meal). 5 colors a day. 80% full. Slow down. Make time. Breathe.

Accomplished: Slept 7.5 hours by drinking golden milk in the wee hours. Installed watchable TV in the front room. Watered and fertilized deck garden. Relit pilot lights. Cleaned off that kitchen shelf where the other shelf needs to go. Started the registration game (and things are moving). Various other accomplishments.

Thinking about: Uncomplicating. How to get a break from myself without it being a lay-down fanatic. A new POC certification program for white people. It costs money. It’s a program. A white person can get trained to be a safe haven, an ally, and can wear a badge. The badge has a number. You can flunk out, so then, no badge. Doing a video or audio instruction for the future of inviting men to come to a CMG, since never does the question get asked, “would you like to go? Would you like to register for the gathering?”

Q: That shoe question, again. I want pictures!

Video: https://youtu.be/CK1Px_JHGww?list=RDEDhkxMvpnEE

Reading: This Alan Watts Quote: “Things are as they are. Looking out into the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations.”