Month: April 2018

Learned: We had a typo in the subject “I: Daily Communiction” and now we have started fresh with “I: Daily Communication.” Kahk essence, required for making “Kahk,”
a cookie made for Eid, is a powdered spice of anise, fennel, and Mahlab, which is gotten from a specific kind of cherry seed. The first numbers my brother ever had to memorize were 5-7-6-8, which was our address on Bonita Road. 3.

3+1: The brain’s ability to build patterns upon patterns. Being able to somewhat direct that pattern-making. The total acceptance of old friends. Kindness. 3+1.

Seems: Like I could quit working on/participating in anything when I am really tired and out of balance (and I hadn’t quite yet seen it like that). Like thick, fatty bacon doesn’t work for my digestion. Like I may be closer to joining “Automatic Intuitive” than I thought. Like I would benefit from doing some kind of cleanse in the very near future. 4.

Three Questions:
“What if I made this Easy?”
“What about this is REHAB?”
“What if I made this Important?”

I am embracing the beauty of nature.

Thinking about: How great it has been to be with my parents during my brother’s final days. Home, and how ready I am to go home and be in control of my food supply. How my current body configuration doesn’t offer me much freedom, and radical new action is the only path to transforming that. I’d like to let go of all this and be about something lovely. 4.

On-purpose ways of being: Courageous, radical, confronting and enchanted with forgiveness, peace, freedom and unconditional love in the background always.

Accomplished: Made a quiche. Filled the pillboxes. Took morning meds. This. 4.

Q for April: What did you do to generate fun today?

My Answer: It hasn’t been too much fun recently, but I did go out with my old pal SS to a cafe/kolaches bakery called The Happy Sparrow and we chatted about some of the things going on in her life. Made me realize how absorbed I’ve been in all of this cancer, sickness, death and dying stuff. Need variation stat!

Video: https://vimeo.com/169675137

Watched: My mom has really gotten into binge-watching “Arrow” so I’ve been watching that with her. After she goes to bed, I watch an episode or two of “Southland.”

May return to Reading: “Sovereignty” by Ryan Michler. Or something else.

Learned: It’s been 10 days since I daily communicated, but what I said last time stayed relevant. There is a really good list of International Suicide Hotlines for when someone is needing a listen in another country. Having three wizards is a strong structure for wizardry, especially when one is called away. MA has buttons and they’ve been pushed, but he is simultaneously sharpening his sword, a lesson for us all. I’m not a sociopath, but I can be that guy who says inappropriate things to people I don’t know very well. DA has generated a lot of fun and got some bleep which makes me oddly gleeful – hooray!

3+1: Being called to my brother’s side 10 days early. The miracle of life, including death. Il est mort but I’m not morbid about it. Stormy Daniels’ Hot Lawyer. My ability to get all snot-nosed emotional in the presence of love. 3+1.

Seems: Like Nature takes, but having is also a seeming. Like as soon as someone dies, the furniture has to all go back to the way it was before. Like I’ve stopped taking care of myself but will start again any day now. Like my importance as a son is now magnified as the one who is still alive. 4.

Three Questions:
“What if I made this Easy?”
“What about this is REHAB?”
“What if I made this Important?”

I am embracing the beauty of nature. (There is nothing wrong.)

Thinking about: What a good space it’s been to be embracing the beauty of nature. How odd it has been to be in a text group with all my aunts and uncles and how we will likely dismantle it until the next time someone is dying.

On-purpose ways of being: Courageous, radical, confronting and enchanted with forgiveness, peace, freedom and unconditional love in the background always.

Accomplished: Got up out of bed. Had 2 cups of coffee. Texts to seven. This.

Q for April: What did you do to generate fun today?
My Answer: Today? I’m just getting started. I am the possibility of fun and I see french fries in my future!

Video: https://youtu.be/gJoRjwUyZUE

Watched: My funny little brother gracefully die after giving all he had trying to stay alive. My parents trying to be with it. His girlfriend trying to be with it. His children trying to be with it.

May return to Reading: “Sovereignty” by Ryan Michler.

​Learned: A lot regarding drugs used in palliative care. Accu-Weather attempts to predict to the minute these days. How potholes occur. 3.

3+1: My funny little brother. Tugs on heart-strings. Side-by-side twin beds for three. My ability to accept unwanted outcomes without dread. 3+1.

Seems: Like Nature takes. Like I have turned away from dread with great interest. Like after a day of preparing to travel, the day of travel is exhausting. 3.

Three Questions:
“What if I made this Easy?”
“What about this is REHAB?”
“What if I made this Important?”

I am embracing the beauty of nature.

Thinking about: Waiting for something unwanted to happen with interest. My funny little brother. Tugs on heart-strings. 3.

On-purpose ways of being: Courageous, radical, confronting and enchanted with forgiveness, peace, freedom and unconditional love in the background always.

Accomplished: Did what it took to leave home 10 days early to be with my brother in his final days. Got Amazon to do something about their messed-up delivery schedule.

Q for April: What did you do to generate fun today?
My Answer: Answered MoR’s questions with entertaining answers, which she found fun, I think.

Video: http://bit.ly/2qgP2cz

Watched/Watching: I was watching “Southland” and usually, the Rachel Maddow show. I am watching my brother’s breathing.

Reading: “Sovereignty” by Ryan Michler. It’s in the same vein as War of Art. I think it might be good for men in traditionally male roles. I am not, but get it.