Month: November 2017

Learned: Medicare may start costing more for some of my drugs. All of my cards are now the “simply tap” kind and I don’t really approve. Those spikey nervous-system episodes are waking me up again. 3.

3. The abundance of photography. Tantalizing leftovers. Responding to the tweets of the  President of the United States. 3.

Seems: Like stress dreams occurring in the Portland House on 3rd Avenue are getting more stressful. Like Carpet Cleaning will be part of my Rehab Game. Like pastry is a cruel invention. 3.

Altering Habit(s):

Continue letting go (to make it easy), especially of significance and anxiety. Also, consider well before just letting go.
Seek out opportunities for TRUE REHAB. Write them down. Pursue.
CREATE Daily reading time (Still too random)
Allow excitement.
Look at Game, calendar daily. DON’T Miss even ONE DAY! (I need to work on this one)
Have breakfast of what you feel hungry for.
Kneel for the National Anthem until the police are sorted, even if it’s ineffective.

CHANGE: Get in touch with Colin K for an “is it working?/what’s next?” inquiry.

Have days where I don’t buy something. PLEASE! End of month easiest.
(Recognize online shopping is not of pure necessity.)
Look at what I wrote for new habits last time. Copy and paste if you can’t remember.
Read this every day, modify and comment.
Note: If you start a conversation, have a way to remember that it’s still active. Follow up on intended conversations.

• Embrace community
• Never wear uncomfortable shoes
• Have fun with pictures and words

Accomplished: Tested oxygen-based cleaner on a dirty strip of carpet, worked pretty good. Vacuumed hallway in prep for carpet cleaning.

Thinking about: British-style Baking. Frangipane. Bake-well tarts. The filling in Bear-claws. Cheese Danish. Many people can see lying and crazy, right?

Q: Of all of the things on today’s TO-DO list, which three things will be complete by the next sunset?

My Answer: I do what HAS TO be done, but also wish to do what wants to be done. I am not reliable for completing anything that needs to be done.

Video: https://youtu.be/WeyLEe1T0yo bonus: https://youtu.be/b9IvZJiaNxU (for relaxing)

STILL Reading: “Running on Empty” by Jonice Webb, Ph.D. (almost done) and “The ACA Handbook” — might better good in print for the exercises.

Learned: There is no right or wrong to your likes and dislikes, they are what they are. Blue screen light inhibits natural melatonin production.

3. Half-bare trees with impossibly bright yellow leaves. Baking. The results of attempts. 3.

Seems: Like I’m interested in getting better, but believe my brain/body isn’t going to comply. I am not allowed to enjoy life unless I produce something. Like if I am compulsive, that it is expressed mostly by having ideas that I could do and feeling pretty sure I can do them. Like I am missing out on something special by not shopping the sales. Like Amazon is becoming one of the bad guys and I don’t know how to do it without them.

Altering Habit(s):

Continue letting go (to make it easy), especially of significance and anxiety. Also, consider well before just letting go.
Seek out opportunities for TRUE REHAB. Write them down.
Look at what I wrote for new habits last time. Copy and paste if you can’t remember.
Allow excitement.
Look at Game, calendar daily. DON’T Miss ONE DAY! (I need to work on this one)
Have breakfast. (taking ground)
CREATE Daily reading time (Still too random)
Kneel for the National Anthem until the police are sorted.

CHANGE: Get in touch with Colin K for an “is it working?/what’s next?” inquiry.

Have days where I don’t buy something. PLEASE! (Progress: No black Friday purchasing)
(Recognize online shopping is a habit, not a pure necessity.)
Read this every day, and comment.

Note: If you start a conversation, have a way to remember that it’s still active.

Accomplished: Forgot to accomplish. Actually rested.

Thinking about: How to chip away at the very tough shell that still seems to be there, so to speak.

Q: Of all of the things on your list, which three things will be complete by the next sunset?

Video: https://vimeo.com/241007433 bonus: https://youtu.be/WMVS_ipIdiQ

Reading: “Running on Empty” by Jonice Webb, Ph.D. (I keep falling asleep) and “The ACA Handbook” — probably would be better as an analog experience.

Learned: That there are all these beautiful copyright-free images available through the Biodiversity Heritage Library. I can now see how to do the coloring book pages. Very young people have immediate concerns and are dealing with things in the same way adults are. How can we forget that? RJG looking at T2 Feb 2018. Puerto Rico is still a mess, but the hurricane was very destructive. Job sharing partner-matching is becoming a thing in Germany; Tepa is the name of one of the founders of a start-up to address it. KS will want to know about it. Ichthyology is the branch of zoology that deals with fishes. Next full moon Dec. 3rd. Many Haitians in Marin are facing repatriation as are 10s of thousands in the U.S.

3. Freedom from holiday obligations. The fun of serendipity. Being a compassionate anti-racist activist. 3.

Seems: like now I need new internal SSD drive for laptop, the one in there won’t upgrade and will no longer boot. Like I expect people who said they would do something to change their minds, to not come through, to leave me holding the bag.

New habits: (or undo habits): Go look ’em up. Don’t eat sugars. Do eat salads. Stand for the future of people gaining compassion and understanding for their fellow man. Be grateful and thankful. Interrupt ugly patterns.

Accomplished: I masked a fish drawing from the late 1700s. (See above) What’s news about that is that it was strictly for pleasure. Not a job. Sort of upgraded to High Sierra.
Did a video skype with DA. Charming offspring. Started difficult conversation with cousin on FB. Spoke mind in another that suggested Alabama Judge Moore is not the only person in the south with such proclivities and stuff we call ugly and illegal happens right in the very homes of the voters.

Q: With all that you’ve learned and all that’s transformed, what’s that thing that just keeps nagging as “Should be better?”

My Answer: Emotional attachment to childish food choices.

Video: Much detail to notice and ponder in this bleak, dark, short film. https://vimeo.com/241803479 I find these dark futuristic creations interesting as art. Not the future I’m creating!

Reading: Paused Audible for three months to catch up. Not often this officially behind in reading.

Learned: That PB had a 20-year medical career which included helping shave and stitch up head wounds inflicted by the Stockton Police Force. DA is off to LV to be reunited with a stretchy white tablecloth. It’s ShichiGoSan (was) on the 15th, Japanese 7-5-3 festival for children.

3. The last week of my being the registrar for CMG gatherings. The strange boycotting habits of the American Alt-right. My personal chef and his delicious creations. 3.

Seems: Like if the question has numbers, I can come up with several answers and not really know if any are correct. Like when dinner is being prepared, I look for ways to spoil my appetite. Like I will completely retire from the CMG Board and possibly not even go to the last meeting. Like I’m creating some kinda anti-climactic dud that will land with a thud. Like DA is fired up/empowered to make his biz event an amazing experience. Like I need to be careful with spending.

Altering Habit(s): I missed a few days. My mind is a blank; I will have to copy and paste.

• Continue answering the question “What if I made this easy?”
• Let go of significance and anxiety.
• Seek out opportunities for TRUE REHAB. (Take advantage of colon cleanse.)
• Look at what I wrote for new habits last time.
• Copy and paste if you can’t remember.
• Allow excitement.
• Look at Game, calendar daily. DON’T Miss even ONE DAY! (I need to work on this one)
• Have breakfast. (I need to work on this one)
• CREATE Daily reading time PLEASE!
• Kneel for the National Anthem until the police are sorted.
• Have days where I don’t buy something. PLEASE!
• (Recognize online shopping is a habit, not a pure necessity.)
• Read this every day, and comment.

Accomplished: Self-prepared Dinner included green things. Found my game, opened it, was amazed how incomplete it was. Stopped by the room at ZSFGH where they have the wellness classes, got link to schedule. Sent notes to all the Pay Laters, only one now at risk of becoming a no-show. New water bottle in play after seven years of the last one (gasket broke, company seems to have retooled.) And more.

Thinking about: I am SO ready for this registrar gig to be over. I can feel myself not doing a very thorough job, but pulling for the men who are going to have an amazing experience.

Q: I need to think of another. I’m flat-lining. Hiatus required!

My Answer to yesterday’s: Which was “What is a song u learned that you had botched the lyrics of for years?” see video

Video: https://youtu.be/tjysDwoFv3s (and here’s one for the boys: KICK YOUR BUTT)

Reading: Too many things to really make any real sense if it, plus looking at which book to give away to the mini library dude.

Happy ShichiGoSan in Tokyo town!

Today (and yesterday), I go off-format, just because I can.

Learned: People right here in the U.S. live completely differently than I/we do and might even be surprised that we don’t know it. SS, my sister artist, is currently employed as an anti-racist activist, social practice gallery director. TC got low, so I helped.

The stuff DA captures that his kids say is gold, especially when he adds his and their mother’s lines. Reminds of Dennis the Menace. “Dispel” became word of the day for me and wrote the following as an affirmation to one of mine who needs to limit dabbling in the morass.

Leave all doubt under your pillow; your future clients are counting on you. The future you’re creating requires you to be a conversation for possibility. You have the training and the practice. Insist on being who you say you are. Dispel all doubt.

Rarely do I quote myself, but take the “me” out and I am simply sourcing source. I said that, and that, too, is sourcing source!

The voice of PB is a welcomed voice inside my head. I can see him sitting down next to homeless people in a soup kitchen, enrolling them in something being possible. I love hearing about GG. Seems like I’m angry that white people haven’t let the civil rights movement work yet when they’ve had ample time. My attempts at making new habits seem easier when I stop the daily grading myself on them.

Colonoscopy: The preparation was challenging, but “It went down.” Had I been a young hot-to-trot straight guy it might have been humiliating with all the super-lovely young women on the team. I fully expected it to be a complete torture, but the drugs knocked me out before they started the truly harrowing part. I also expected to wake up to some kind of situation to deal with, like cancer or a rare condition that made me eligible for a 5-year study if I gave up the prednisone. What I woke up to was to one male doctor wrestling with the tubes like it was a sea monster, saying, “I think I need him on his stomach.” If I were a straight man, it might have been humiliating. I said I heard that and painstakingly rolled my drugged body over. The situation felt distantly familiar. I heard the male doctor say, “This guy has the longest colon I’ve ever seen!” If I was a straight guy… but it was actually a moment of amazing freedom and pride. The result is that it all looked good and I don’t need to go back for ten years! No side-by-side chemo with my brother; no colostomy bag! I wonder how I’ll work this bit of good news into my next online dating profile.

Q: Ask me one.

Video: [This 10-minute film contains content that may be sensitive to some viewers, but it’s real.] https://vimeo.com/topicstories/rabbit-hunt

Other media: “Halt & Catch Fire” on Netflix

Learned: Today is/was Patti Page Day. Today is/was also Cappucino Day. I had none. Fasting is easy, but the gluck you must drink before a colonoscopy is tortuous, and I’m not even half-way through. A transgender woman, Danica Roem, defeated a homophobic incumbent Virginia lawmaker who sponsored a bill that would have restricted which bathrooms she could use. Virginia govt. also swung very left winning at least 15 seats in the legislature, 11 of them women. 90 democratic candidates ran in this election in Virginia, all people who ran for the first time. Inspiring.

3. Nothing big has blown up yet. The Taboo of Poo. Lovely human superpowers. 3.

Seems: Like I may have lost my knack for baking, but I’m still pretty skilled at getting the frosting color just right. Like red states are fun to watch turn blue. Like I enjoy seeing assholes get punished too much. Seems crazy to have to fast when there are TWO cakes in the house.

Altering Habit(s):

Continue answering the question “What if I made this easy?”
Let go of significance and anxiety.
Seek out opportunities for TRUE REHAB. (Take advantage of colon cleanse.)
Look at what I wrote for new habits last time.
Copy and paste if you can’t remember.
Allow excitement.
Look at Game, calendar daily. DON’T Miss even ONE DAY! (I need to work on this one)
Have breakfast. (I need to work on this one)
CREATE Daily reading time
Kneel for the National Anthem until the police are sorted.
Have days where I don’t buy something. PLEASE!
(Recognize online shopping is a habit, not a pure necessity.)
Read this every day, and comment.

Accomplished: The Cake(s), The Fast, the Dishes, and the first Giant Pitcher of Gluck. Cleaned the bathtub, which was surprisingly difficult and ineffective. Answered a few emails.

Thinking about: Getting through the next several hours until the colonoscopy is over. Waking up at 4:30 a.m to drink another pitcher of gluck by 6:15 a.m. Taking a pill to go to sleep early.

Q: Hmm… Let’s skip it today.

Answer to yesterday’s: Ultimately, to be at peace with whatever IT is.

Video: https://youtu.be/7WswuDLsVJQ +bonus https://vimeo.com/52458028

Reading: “Running on Empty” by Jonice Webb, PhD, and “The ACA Handbook” — the stuff of nightmares.

On hold:
“Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi
“A Wall Between” by Anne Braden
“We Were Eight Years in Power: An American Tragedy” by Ta-Nehisi Coates.

Learned: Did I learn anything? JR’s BF is from back east and can build decks. Taking Airborne® helps, but it’s no miracle cure. The decrease of my serotonin drugs leaves me stuttering a little, and maybe involuntarily “voicing.” After all that fuss, LG isn’t coming to the Fall Gathering. On Twitter, Daniel Franzese’s @RealItalianMom said, “Thank you, sweetie, God bless you” in response to my acknowledgment, which was as heart-warming as it gets. That I have several ACA-type indicators, altered by my Landmark program memory. You mustn’t take ibuprofen the week of your colonoscopy. That the U.S. is globally thought to be among the worst of the menacing countries, right up there with Afganistan, Israel, North Korea and Saudi Arabia.

3. The End of Daylight Savings Time. Triggers. Forgiveness. 3.

Seems: Like I say things about how my health seems, yet rarely do anything different about it. Like with some people, there’s just no point in further attempts. Like I’m a big NO to staring anything cyclical these days. Like I wouldn’t stay with any kind of 12-step program, so starting one is unlikely. Seems like I don’t need a deep program, but I’m curious to find if I am as numbed out as I have always felt I am. Like I’m searching for answers but have unclear questions. Like people don’t get terrorism when it’s delivered by a white body. (Something must have gone wrong!) Like the only way to end the crazy gun massacres in the future is to put down some heavy background check laws, semi-automatic weapon restrictions, and stop being bullied by gun lobbies and their pet politicians. It may also help if we stop supplying 33% of the weapons to countries ruled by dictators.

Altering Habit(s):

Continue letting go (to make it easy), especially of significance and anxiety. Also, consider well before just letting go.
Seek out opportunities for TRUE REHAB.
Look at what I wrote for new habits last time.
Copy and paste if you can’t remember.
Allow excitement.
Look at Game, calendar daily. DON’T Miss even ONE DAY! (I need to work on this one)
Have breakfast. (I need to work on this one)
CREATE Daily reading time
Kneel for the National Anthem until the police are sorted.
Have days where I don’t buy something. PLEASE!
(Recognize online shopping is a habit, not a pure necessity.)
Read this every day, and comment.

Accomplished: Another grocery order made and delivered since the first was insufficient. Planning AND shopping done for NB’s birthday, hope he doesn’t have to bake his own damn cake! More rearranging of hoarded items, yet nothing jettisoned. Dreaming is back, and slightly uncomfortable. May start closing my door to sleep lest I start voicing parts of the dream.

Thinking about: How I’m going to make it through the week without ibuprofen. Fasting all day on Wednesday and drinking gluck for colonoscopy. What it would be like to be so crazy that I’d go into a small-town church and just wipe a bunch of people out. Not sure I can relate. Can more empathize with the survivors. PTSD.

Q: Hmm… If you had everything you needed and everything you wanted, what would you need and want then?

Video: https://vimeo.com/240130084 +bonus https://vimeo.com/thelostavocado/lostinrotterdam

Reading: “Running on Empty” by Jonice Webb, Ph.D., and “The ACA Handbook” — the stuff of nightmares.

On hold: “Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “A Wall Between” by Anne Braden, and soon will listen to “We Were Eight Years in Power: An American Tragedy” by Ta-Nehisi Coates. Also reviewing “A Thousand Words for Joy” by Byron Katie.

Learned: Listened to this band Dire-Maker’s music @DireMakerBand. Why? Saturday, I sent a tweet to the Mayor of San Juan, PR, Carmen Yilín-Cruz (@CarmenYulinCruz), and Senator Bernie Sanders (@SenSanders), and whoever writes tweets for the band added to what I said, and it’s been my most liked tweet of all-time. We are forever linked by the message. People are still liking it. People love Bernie Sanders. He’s a good human. Speaking of good humans, PB is joining DA and me for our weekly call. A structure is born, for which I am the glue. I also learned a bit about D3.js coding as well as more about SVG, HTML5 & CSS. Will I remember? Remember what? Where I put my notes. Maybe.

3. Trustable instincts. The long view. River beds. 3.

Seems: Like I’m more apt to connect with total strangers than people with whom I already have a relationship. Like I am easily distracted. Like I am supposed to finish my game today but I won’t.

New Habit(s):

Continue letting go (to make it easy), especially of significance and anxiety.
Seek out opportunities for REHAB.
Look at what I wrote for new habits last time.
Copy and paste if you can’t remember.
Allow excitement.
Look at Game, calendar daily.
Have breakfast.
CREATE Daily reading time
Kneel for the National Anthem until the police are sorted.
Have days where I don’t buy something.
(Recognize online shopping is a habit, not a pure necessity.)

Accomplished: Sent a note to “Body Mint” customer service regarding the weird taste of pills. Received tiny Italian cake mold that I might make fruitcakes in this winter. Stopped coughing so much. Listened to some good random music on Soundcloud. Grocery order placed, soon to be delivered.

Thinking about: How having a cold is a trip. Backup singers and how I never became one. The lovely stature and influence of the actor Daniel Franzese, who I quoted and tagged in twitter today. Kleenex, Grocery Delivery. Neighborhood full of skulls and doorknockers.

Q: Today’s question is sort of Halloweeny – If there was a machine you could go into and come out in a perfectly sensational “Alter Ego” costume (not just a costume, but as the actual alter ego), what/who would you be?

My Answer: I have a lot of combo-ing to do here. I can’t just be a French revolutionary anymore, too much has happened. Plus everyone thought I was a pirate. SO, I’d be a male-to-female trans lounge singer referred to as either THEY or THEM, with a 60s style beehive hair-do, big sparkly earrings, and long eyelashes, but this face. It’s a kind of drag look, but I am still pretty manish. The thing is, I’d need to have several instruments, like the accordion, piano, harp, theremin… and a couple of musicians as part of it. We could do any song that was requested, and in between, there’d be words of wisdom, jokes, and games for people to play to win cash and prizes. My speaking voice would be the same as it is now. My outfit would have endless multiple changes built right in, like transformers. I could also shapeshift toward any animal OR PAINTING facially by around 35% and have a singing range that overhangs both ends of a standard keyboard.

Video: https://vimeo.com/223503242 +bonus https://vimeo.com/13898084

Reading: “Running on Empty” by Jonice Webb, PhD
On hold:“Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “A Wall Between” by Anne Braden, and soon will listen to “We Were Eight Years in Power: An American Tragedy” by Ta-Nehisi Coates. Also reviewing “A Thousand Words for Joy” by Byron Katie.