Month: October 2017

Learned: A wee bit about the subtle impacts of emotional neglect. That I am apt to stay up late researching something in my own exciting environment with its good wifi and machines within reach. Several of JR’s classes were canceled this week. M asked to see the space station video a second time, so now I want to send one every time.

3. Last day of heat wave. Afternoon naps during the lightly scheduled days after travel. Trail mix with bits of chocolate. 3.

Seems: Like I’m slow to start a new habit that is designed to cancel out a questionable one, or that I believe I’m not really going to do it. Like part of what I would like to confront is my apparent lack of clear emotionality (I often seem like Spock of Star Trek, at least to myself). Like I’ve got it right on the days I can stay in my pajamas (yoga clothes). Like it’s time for a new meditation. Like committing to taking radical new actions always involves giving up pleasure.

New Habit(s):

Continue letting go (to make it easy), especially of significance and anxiety.
Seek out opportunities for REHAB.
Look at what I wrote for new habits last time.
Copy and paste if you can’t remember.
Allow excitement.
Look at Game, calendar daily.
Have breakfast.
CREATE Daily reading time
Kneel for the National Anthem until the police are sorted.
Have days where I don’t buy something.
(Recognize online shopping is a habit, not a pure necessity.)

Accomplished: Worked on and shared new game “Taking My Life Back: REHAB.” Hung new moth trap in pantry. Started laundry. Put new light switch in Bathroom (on shelf, with screwdrivers). Have pretty well adapted to using correct apostrophes and quote punctuation.

Thinking about: Brother, Cancer, Parents, what’s up with my past emotional development, being courageous, radical and confronting with and in the face of my chronic dis-ease. How to play my game AND have my annual holiday.

Q, encore: Could you list your top 3 shouldn’t be’s and then instantly be with the reality of them? (3 things you resist as they are, declare and be complete.)

My Answer to that: See last submission.

Video: https://youtu.be/S_q7CqElaSk +bonus https://youtu.be/Z2szk-NuKWg

Reading: “Running on Empty” by Jonice Webb, PhD
On hold:“Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “A Wall Between” by Anne Braden, and soon will listen to “We Were Eight Years in Power: An American Tragedy” by Ta-Nehisi Coates. Also reviewing “A Thousand Words for Joy” by Byron Katie.

Learned: Fats Domino was still alive but is now dead. Same deal with Robert Guillaume. Fats was of Haitian descent. Robert wasn’t; he just adopted the name Guillaume because it is William in French and his real last name is Williams. He had a son who died of AIDS is 1990. The flight attendant who snack-shamed me a couple of years ago still works the same route on Virgin American. She was nicer this time, but still showed signs of passive-aggressivism. Looking at your phone while crossing the street in Honolulu became a finable offense today.

3. NPR. Row 3 on Virgin America flights. Uber Drivers. 3.

Seems: Like I really messed up my back while packing to come home. Like I have a nice apartment when I come home to it clean. Like I’ll need to take it pretty easy today.

New Habit(s): (I now have to fill this in every day to see what sticks.) Continue letting go, especially of significance and anxiety. Seek out opportunities for REHAB. Look at what I wrote for new habits last time. Copy and paste if you can’t remember. Allow excitement. Look at Game, calendar daily. Have breakfast. Kneel for the National Anthem until the police are sorted. Have days where I don’t buy something. (Recognize online shopping is a habit, not a pure necessity.)

Accomplished: Travelled home and made it. Unpacked almost completely. Enjoyed being home.

Thinking about: Brother struggling with Cancer, going in for another chemo treatment today. Parents supporting brother struggling with Cancer.

Q: Could you list your top 3 shouldn’t be’s and then instantly be with the reality of them? (3 things you resist as they are, declare and be complete.)

My Answer to that:
1. The President. Would need to give stuff up endlessly, so not a powerful yes unless I say “because who I am is empowering effective leadership.”
2. Natural disasters. Accept them well these days, it’s the aftermath/response that hooks me. Can I go to nothing and just be with it, including imagined suffering. Yep.
3. Racism/Supremacy. I do acknowledge and accept it is wherever it is right now. I want to be on the big team to move us, the human race, out of it. Will take some ongoing getting to nothing, as I get not all humans would like it to go the way I see is possible.

Video: https://youtu.be/E4q5j8KLOvo +bonus https://youtu.be/84w6qZMa3hE

Reading on hold, but: “Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “A Wall Between” by Anne Braden, and soon will listen to “We Were Eight Years in Power: An American Tragedy” by Ta-Nehisi Coates. Also reviewing “A Thousand Words for Joy” by Byron Katie.

Learned: I’m fussy. If I sign on to Youtube Sweden and play videos, I actually understand a little tiny bit. My parents keep the house pretty warm these days. I still fatigue out like ever before. There are awesome people on twitter who don’t have a lot of followers.

3. Something new to break the monotony. Monotony to break. Fried seasoned potato wedges from the Safeway Deli. 3.

Seems: Like I will successfully dodge the idea of getting together with old friends. Like my health impacts being social, but it seems like a character flaw. Like I’m not holding up my end of the deal and not doing what I said I would, and I have a good excuse. Like I’ve said that before. Seems like the prednisone isn’t working as well as it was.

New Habit(s): (I now have to fill this in every day to see what sticks.) If it’s anxiety, let it go. Allow excitement. Look at Game, calendar daily. Have breakfast. Kneel for the National Anthem until the police are sorted. Have days where I don’t buy something.

Accomplished: I’d really like to skip this because I’ll be stretching. Grocery shopping. WesternUnioning. Bank Calling. Weekly calls. Creating Registrar02. Call with him set for 4:30. This blog entry.

Thinking about: Soothing burning face. Rymdkanalen. Snacking.

Q: Do you watch the videos, or save them for later and never get back to them?

My Answer to that: I curate them, so I see them before they go out.

Video: https://youtu.be/j8KoFipe6G4 +bonus https://youtu.be/FEfUHOODeCM

Reading on hold, but: “Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “A Wall Between” by Anne Braden, and soon will listen to “We Were Eight Years in Power: An American Tragedy” by Ta-Nehisi Coates.

Learned: Colin Kaepernick is a high-ranking NFL quarterback who is being punished with unemployment for making a bold statement and having that statement turned into something else by our white supremacist president. The washing machine at my parents’ house won’t stay level. Brother had to go to the ER, too much pain. Bright sunshine coming through the windows, while I’m writing, perturbs me.

3. Gumbo, WiFi, and Internet Access. 3.

Seems: Like I don’t really want to get up and go anywhere, that I just want to get through it. Like it would be cool to go for a walk around here without getting hit by a speeding vehicle. Like I should visit my brother at the hospital since they are keeping him longer. Like if I went for a walk, I would walk too far and need to call for a ride back. Like there needs to be a store at the end of a walk to motivate me. Like I will never start the rehab I so desperately need. Like there is a strange extra pressure behind my eyes. Like character assassination of any civil rights leader may trigger me to use words that could leave you feeling belittled.

New Habit(s): (I now have to fill this in every day to see what sticks.) Let it be. Take some kind of action that reminds you of the power of taking a committed action. Kneel during the national anthem, but keep walking stick in hand so I can get up. Have days when I don’t buy things.

Accomplished: Packed and made it to Portland. Made a big pot of Gumbo (with help). Didn’t do much or even shower or change clothes until Sunday which is sort of the opposite of accomplishment. Ordered coffee and nylon balloon whisk so next time I make Gumbo, I don’t have to use that old wooden spoon.

Thinking about: Walking around Lake Grove, looking at things I haven’t seen for a long time, and also seeing new things. How with great coaching, Colin Kaepernick could be a super-highly rated NFL quarterback AND respected civil-rights leader.

Q, again: Imagine you have three weeks coming up where you will shut off your current life and do things just for fun and joy – no working! Where and What comes to mind?

My Answer to that: The first thing that comes to mind is I’d love to go to some kind of three-week-long rehab retreat where everything is good and healthy and far from the media circus, where the only intended outcome is rejuvenation. Someplace like Esalen. It would be nice to attract a new love interest while there and engage in the types of activities that people engage in when they are new to each other. And make some kind of art because my brain likes that.

Video: https://vimeo.com/238096496

Reading: “Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “A Wall Between” by Anne Braden

Learned: Santa Rosa, Napa, Sonoma on fire for a couple of days now. Much already burned away. Camp Newman gone. I say I like endings, didn’t mean to this level. The President is likely suffering from a combination of mental deficiencies and personality disorders that make him not just unfit, but dangerous in his current position. I like a show called “The Leftovers” of which I’d never heard. I do a good job on presentations.

3. Shelves. Ability to be with bad news after initial amygdala hijack. New Whey Liquid Protein. 3.

Seems: Like empowered context/invented life will be confronted/confronting, but probably still beats the alternative. Like the “taking my life back” game will need to be revised and replayed. Like a lot of the #resistance people on twitter might have had previous accounts, but made new ones just to say terrible things about political figures.

New Habit(s): (I now have to fill this in every day to see what sticks) Breathe. Only not too deeply if the air is full of smoke. Be super kind.

Accomplished: Read “The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump” by Bandy X. Lee — yep, he cray. Short bookshelf installed in bdrm, can get a few more loose items stowed where VCR/DVD/ancient stack ‘o tech & 15 yo dust was. Broke down boxes. Retrieved prescriptions. Sent in photos of spoiled tart cherry concentrate, replacement method devised. Wrote several notes to @realDonaldTrump that I’m sure very few people read.

Thinking about: Walking, and making other muscles sore habitually. The possibility of being courageous, radical and confronting, and the outcome is that humanity has the difficult conversations that transform us into the human race we long to be. Important: distinguish between the profound needs of the soul and a passing fancy.

Q: Imagine you have three weeks coming up where you will shut off your current life and do things just for fun and joy – no working! What comes to mind?

My Answer to yesterday’s: The angle of the sunlight and the way the colors change. Kids back in school. Soup and salad. Sweaters, I used to say, but now I only have one and never wear it. October is a good feeling. In my current phase, it feels like a well-deserved winding down.

Video: https://vimeo.com/159875640

Reading: “Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “A Wall Between” by Anne Braden

“How we go, IT goes.”

Learned: Yesterday was Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s Birthday. He’s only has a few more years than I. The new, game-changing book by 27 psychiatrists about DT pulls zero punches and is not a complaint, but a collection of astute assessments. It took DT being the president for me to realize the toxicity of my friendship with JG.

3. These days with less to do. How Neil DeGrasse Tyson communicates. 3.

Seems: Like 3 examples of what we like opens something up. Like I might have some of the symptoms of narcissism, but not pathological. Like somebody needs to be in charge who is not the person in charge. Like new trends are emerging, and a large twitter screen makes them easier to spot.

New Habit(s): listen to Pn Coaching, even if out of order. Keep it mellow and easy. Have sane meals. Graciously allow contribution. Breathe. Walk around Portland with old friends.

Accomplished: Fairly sane grocery order. Periodically reaffirmed wizardry.

Thinking about: The cool Manga Art of Taiyo Matsumoto.

Q: What do especially like about the beginning of fall?

Video: THIS

Reading: “The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump” by Bandy X. Lee, “Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “A Wall Between” by Anne Braden

Hahaha: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6htnsd2CW1rx0dwdo1_500.gif

Learned: That Hugh Heffner was still alive until just recently. The Dolores Huerta is 87, still alive and a documentary of her life has been made called, “Dolores.” “Carnival of Souls” is a 1962 American horror film starring Candace Hilligoss. Not usually my kind of thing, but I like the drawings of Nicolas de Crécy.

3. Automatic anything. October being the month of creepy. The end of a game no matter the result. 3.

Seems: Like I can make changing my mind, taking the easy way out or reconsidering a weakness and not a strength. Like doing the “right” thing can seem like the wrong thing. Like my attention span is in jeopardy if I have phone or laptop within reach.

New Habit(s): Breathe. Get better at sleeping. Covertly relate to self as a wizardly shaman instilled with untapped compassion for those who have yet to go through the spaces you’ve gone through to achieve what you’ve achieved. Keep it brief and to-the-point. No make-wrong – Recreate!

Accomplished: Recently? Binge watched “The Strain.” Looked at how I operate and chose to save a large reactivating program for a later date. Talked myself down from a PTSD reaction to hurricane relief efforts by tweeting to POTUS.

Thinking about: the 20 pounds that came back, or, the new 20 pounds. Actually lifting things with my arms. The patience required when reading a book that isn’t available as an audiobook. How we’ll need many new lawmakers to change the way the U.S. is turning out.

Q: Is it important to do impactful, fulfilling work, or is it enough to simply be and take occasional action?

My answer: I feel a deep need to sign up for large causes that may be confronting. I am not sure if it’s for the rush of making a difference or if it is truly selfless, possibly a combination. I like things to work. I can see how they might. I also like to witness when people feel uplifted. An occasional action is better than nothing. I still have my eye on looming larger – could be from those leadership classes, I feel like I’m wasting them if I don’t show up large.

Video: https://youtu.be/Q8XcAW3s-gg

Reading: “Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America” by Ibram X. Kendi, and “A Wall Between” by Anne Braden