Month: September 2017

Learned: DA has people actively brain dumping ala “big paper” ala Mel Robins disappearing overwhelm. A YouTube search under “Reading From My” yields some gutwrenchingly bad stuff. On paper, I’ve been involved in some amazing stuff! KS is in an all-day conference.

3. That you* beat me to the punch, day after day. That people are brain-dumping. That I can talk myself off the ledge before verbally slapping the crap out of someone. 3.

Seems: Like all kinds of asshole people are empowered to publically say stupid stuff like their opinion is the truth. Like it might be a bad idea to communicate directly with the U.S. President with invitations to consider. Like I will make a lousy student with my unstable energy level. Like I can’t keep up as it is. Like it will be a mistake for me to sign up for the anti-racism program when I’m so angry. Like I’m about to bite off more than I can chew.

New Habit(s): Breathe. Get better at sleeping. Let go of have-tos that connect to your perception of what it takes to look good. Keep it brief and to-the-point. Not make-wrong – Recreate!

Accomplished: Made it through the weekend. Rough draft of Anne Braden Program application written. Didn’t send a retaliatory text message in response to racial insensitivity. Learned how to download all text messages to my Gmail account, just in case I need them later as evidence of harassment.

Thinking about: the incompleteness of the final roster. How I feel like my contribution is constantly invalidated by these so-called men. That I might need a vacation from the news as I am listening with anticipation for the three white-house generals to stage a coup de tat. How being accountable for more scares the crap out of me.

Q: What are you currently being critical of that you could be recreating?

My answer: I’m hearing everything through my “racism” filter, being intolerant and wishing to lash out, make wrong, plotting to invalidate contribution and destroy credibility. Also being critical of my weird, hoardery habit of eating stuff I would never admit. I had “Healthy Choice” Lasagne that had been in the freezer for years.

Video: https://youtu.be/-MTRxRO5SRA, bonus https://mel-robbins.mykajabi.com/p/31-sessions-overwhelmed (what I call “big paper”) (and what I should probably do today)

Reading: More like supposed to be reading. Revising application copy to include where my gaps are. I am determined to read something light and helpful today. I am getting a bit intense.

*There is a designated person who reads these who I often refer to as “you.”

Learned: Hurricane Maria is a category 3. That a handful of people may be reading me now. Grammarly isn’t working in my Gmail again, which feels dangerous. If you send a note to Grammarly on Twitter, someone asks for your email address so you can get tech support. Hurricane Maria is a category 5. RK shrunk the tumor. The CIA, The U.S. Airforce, Greta Garbo and I have the same birthday, but they are all older (or dead). That Gene Brendler was the name of the KPTV VO guy that said, “One moment, please…” Hurricane Maria is a category 3. Dominica, St. Croix and Puerto Rico got hit by Maria.

3. Extension Cords. 56. The letting go of significance. 3.

Seems: Like at the rate I’m producing, this should be called “weekly communication.” Like it’s possible that I’ve never focused on accomplishing just one thing well outside of art-making. Like I will need to find solid ways to listen and embrace the religious, the resistance, the fight and the struggle without taking it on. If people are reading me, it seems like I should be more cheerful in order to promote cheerfulness. Like DA sees something new possible by distinguishing that he has “manufacturing in China” experience.

New Habit/todo: Getting out of bed. Leaving the house. Open the mail. Fill out forms. End habit of ordering footwear online and not returning it when it doesn’t work. +protein +color in diet. Deposit checks. Allow more indulgence so there won’t be a need for binging. Get up and get to work.

Accomplished: Birthday Lunch with Steve. Ate no cake & ice cream on birthday. Studied 5 languages on Wildcard Wednesday. Walked to Mission & 23 Walgreens, found 2 for $4.00 86% chocolate and those energy bar bagel things I used to love, plus fresh prunes in the produce market. Ate Cake & Ice Cream on Wildcard Wednesday, when anything can happen!

Thinking about: Semi-indulgent snacking. Those tostadas at Casa de Rios in Portland. What if I returned to the work of the living?

Q: What word or combination of words gives you instant access to a new way of being?

My Answers: は! (HA!)

Video: Click here, it’s on FB

Reading: The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins, all the names of closed Portland Businesses on the Dead Memories Portland FB Page, and all the names of people who FB’d me a HB. www.facebook.com/groups/deadmemoriesportland

Learned: A catchupy day doesn’t necessarily come with fries. DA called yesterday evening and I haven’t checked the VM yet. FL is eager to connect with DA, and I haven’t connected them yet. DA heading to Humboldt. The X in iPhone X is pronounced “ten.” There are currently few laws making your face, or an image of your face, your personal property. If you are in an accident and your face is damaged, the new iPhone X may not recognize you and you will not be able to call for help. TC and I are in touch on “Handout” – the dyslexic version of Hangout. TC prefers the initials “TC” over the other options. Tautology = saying the same thing twice only in different ways.

3. Getting more sleep in the morning after not sleeping well in the night. Getting an email from my lovely doctor in Uganda. Desk facing the door. 3.

Seems: Like I got inspired to reconstitute myself as the possibility of being courageous, radical and confronting, and the outcome is that humanity has the difficult conversations that transform us to the human race we long to be. Like the headache and pain in the middle of my back is worsened by unresolved dehydration from the heat wave weekend. Like it’s taking an awfully long time to put together the case to prosecute and impeach the current president and his crones. Like getting more sleep in the morning establishes the day as half-wasted. Like building momentum is out of reach and contraction in inevitable. Like communication could be largely related to as what is released or un-withheld.

New Habit: I am starting a new habit this morning. Sitting up at my new OLD desk to write vs. twisting around in bed to attempt to say what needs to be said. A good start. I’ll call it “getting out of bed.” (Having written this here last time had me get out of bed to finish writing this.)

Accomplished: Put something here. Fixed broken kettle since they wouldn’t take it back but refunded me anyway. Got reimbursed for something else I bought twice by saying “I wasn’t well at the time.”

Thinking about: How behind I feel. JB’s deep illness and sleeplessness.How Grammarly being down can be dangerous, now that I’m dependent on it.

Q: (i.e.): If we are the counting species, how would life be if we related to one or once as enough (instead of three or “more”)?

Q: Could you stop counting? The answer is no, you could not stop counting.

Q: What are you counting that, no matter what the number, is not enough?

My Answers: Well, I would love the freedom from longing for another. It would solve many of my dietary/inventory issues, and transform choosing from deciding from what’s already known, to really creating and choosing in the moment. I think it would include a lot more forgetting, but not the kind that is a problem. I could just say “I knew that once.” End of story.

A: Could you stop counting? Yeah, at this point, we all have the OCD of counting. We can’t stop measuring. We have developed a world that can mostly be broken down to some kind of number system.

A: Amount left is often not enough (e.g., I’m on my last bottle of seltzer and it’s only the 13th). Where my body weight is concerned, it’s actually too much, or the inverse is that I HAVEN’T LOST ENOUGH. If beauty can be measured, I’ve lost too much, even though I get that is a past-based conversation about missed opportunities for getting attention.

Video: https://youtu.be/LDcm6twPEJA

Reading: I want to read something, and I don’t feel free to spend the time.

Learned: I’m still attracted to saddish songs. I wake up a lot when there is a psychological thriller playing on the TV. Sitting up in a regular chair (not bar-stool or counter height) and writing is better than I thought it would be.

3. Transformation wants to happen as a natural occurrence. Humans resist transformation but love it when it happens. The safety in familiarity. 3.

Seems: Like when I hear my current theme songs, it seems my heart is a little sad and a little hopeful. Like humans must count, measure and judge. That I can be seen from the front window. Like I’m afraid of messing up projects now that I’ve bungled the wall where I wanted to install shelf. Like making it easy means getting someone else to do it.

New Habit: I am starting a new habit this morning. Sitting up at my new OLD desk to write vs. twisting around in bed to attempt to say what needs to be said. A good start. I’ll call it “getting out of bed.”

Accomplished: There was a desk that I thought was for me and I took a chance and sent money and guys, and boom now I’m sitting at it.

Thinking about: What if I picked one as enough instead of three or five? Getting on with the completion of that which has me prostrate. And, still thinking about going back to bed. It’s a habit.

Q: What if one/once was enough (instead of three or “more”)? Could you stop counting? What are you counting that means not enough?

Video: https://youtu.be/w6T02g5hnT4

Reading: Old emails I didn’t understand the first time around.

Learned: Letting go can feel so good, like a freedom you never knew you could have. A person of color can’t not experience me as a white person until after they get to know and trust me, but I can and do see them as a regular person, free of the trappings of what they look like, but get that’s part of what they might need me to not say. Said another way, I say I can experience a person as a person, but there is no need for me to say it like that if it might not land how I want it to. When people show up, deep down, they want to love whatever they get from having shown up. My friend FL in Sabastapol wants to get into high-finance for the canna industry.

3. Making my life about inclusivity. Wondering how to write about inclusivity in a way that creates enrollment in the possibility of people seeing one-another as who they are, past the regular qualities of skin, teeth, and hair. Ice. 3.

Seems: Like this year’s hurricanes are stronger than ever and humanity is gonna get mowed down by Irma. Like I’m not the man I used to be, or maybe I should say not the skilled handy worker-bee that I once was. Like I can get better sleep, and better skin, if I leave home. Like messes are the enemy.

Habit(s): I’m thinking the strongest new habit that I have from the “New Habits” category is copying and pasting habits I was working on in the past. I look forward to developing myself in new ways but am not committed to publishing something that is no longer happening. Nice try! My actual new habits include eating dark chocolate daily.

Accomplished: 141 was the final count for gathering. Gave notice of retirement from being the registrar. Enrolled and registered replacement. Lunch with RG today, a new connection!

Thinking about: Walking with Christopher and Lamont at 8:00 a.m. Cleaner living. Cleaning the very fragrant golden milk spill from the carpet next to my bed. How f’d up the kitchen wall is after I prepped it to mount floating shelf.

Q: Repeated: What makes it beautiful when it’s really hot out? (extended version, not just “AC”)

My Answer: The only true answer is AC, but also can include iced drinks, ice cream, shade, breeze, night-time, etc…

AudioVideo: https://youtu.be/H846A-eN89c

Reading: www.vice.com