Month: August 2017

Learned: DA can say a missed call is okay, and so it is. The Camp Lady cannot go one year without pulling some last-minute oh-by-the-way that takes me hours to recover from. Today’s stress compared to a year ago was comparable. I’ve lost ground. I’m looking forward to it all working out. Colleen has gone and reinvented herself with a brand new game.

3. The possibility of inventing one’s self/life brand-newly. Stopping everything in the middle and self-caring. Taking someone up on their offer to help and not squirming about it. 3.

Seems: Like even when I am stressed, I am a clearing for gratitude and possibility being expressed. Like being the registrar is a cyclical breakdown against my commitment to feeling good and having fun.

New Habit(s): Stop touching your face. Take a break. Only drink things with zero calories. Create and use a Sleep Ritual. Record intake. Plan Ahead. Healthy Fats. Smart Carbs. Lean Protein (at every meal). 5 colors a day. 80% full. Slow down. Make time. Breathe.

Accomplished: The ins and the outs, and one back in, maybe. And now, two transfers. Two outs going to Houston to help instead, which feels like a win, and one more to win my personal “143” game, not counting the outs. I think it’ll be 140 by Saturday. 137.

Thinking about: All those dang head shots I’ve worked and it’s still a clunky layout with missing pieces. How tired my body is from hovering over the computer since Friday or Saturday. Retirement.

Q: What makes it beautiful when it’s really hot out? (extended version, not just “AC”)

A: (to last time): I haven’t answered the one about what do I do for fun, yet. My mom asked me. I felt on the spot just like I always have when I don’t have an answer like I should – something spectacular and awe-inspiring. I obsessively look at photos on the internet of odd things that come from oddly paired words, and I especially like paintings, odd photos, coffee cups that aren’t stupid (rare) and other utilitarian items. I also find it fun to purchase items on Amazon. I study languages for no reason. I’ll start up a Udemy lesson on something I’ve never studied just to see if I can get it. I find some of my own thoughts amusing. It really doesn’t take much. I am a highly content individual with little need for glamorous distractions, plus having a fatigue disease has been good training for simulating contentedness. Accomplishment and progress are fun. Feeling good, or even better is fun. Being ADORABLE is super-fun!

Video: https://youtu.be/uiL8OF56dxg

Reading: Tiny little Instagram comments, and my own mind.

Learned: My mom thinks I need to be more social, to share myself with more people. If you ask for a brief testimonial from a solid enthusiast, you will likely get it. I get to call a nice 83-year-old man today and let him know we think it’s in his best interest to skip the gathering this year. I am experiencing turning people away for lack of funds, my least favorite thing to do.

3. Ghirardelli 86% Cacao Midnight Reverie Intense Dark Chocolate. Bactroban Mupirocin Calcium Cream 2%. Jambalaya Vindaloo. 3.

Seems: Like I am mixed up in my mother’s manifest-destiny belief that expansion, (i.e., weight gain) is justified and inevitable. Like even though I don’t believe that, it still seems to be true. Like I am most grateful for consumer goods. Like there are No Guarantees, even though it seems like there are.

New Habit(s): Take a break. Only drink things with zero calories. Create and use a Sleep Ritual. Record intake. Plan Ahead. Healthy Fats. Smart Carbs. Lean Protein (at every meal). 5 colors a day. 80% full. Slow down. Make time. Breathe.

Accomplished: 133 and rising.

Thinking about: Becoming a different part of the machine. Retirement. Senior Discounts.

Q: What do you do strictly for fun?

Video: https://youtu.be/D7CH9cRN8Rg

Reading: Product labels. Closed captions for the hearing impaired. Numbers on clocks.

 

Learned: We’re on G: Daily Communication now. There’s this new Miller High-Life commercial that came out right on the heels of Charlottesville that uses the old 60’s jingle as sung in the 60’s and I am suspicious that they either are or want to be the official beer of the white supremacy movement.

3. Sufficient registrations for an event that I don’t have to scramble at the end. Being less pestered and obsessed by how many hours of sleep I got. That my beautiful doctor is super-busy and delegating items on the list I sent. 3.

Seems: Like I don’t like to quit on things unfinished, so I’m a hoarder of incomplete projects. Like I love to start something new. Like it’s hard to keep all the varieties of milk we like in just one refrigerator. Like I’m supposed to always come up with three.

New Habit(s) (coming clean): Virtually stuck Take a break. Only drinking things with zero calories, which I never did. Create and use a Sleep Ritual, spotty performance. Record intake – used to, stopped. Plan Ahead – um, sort of in a random way. Healthy Fats – yes, if cocoa butter counts. Smart Carbs (more or less) Lean Protein (at every meal) – I am making it difficult to find/prepare. 5 colors a day. (Who is counting? Not me.) 80% full – never really got this one. Slow down – sure. Make time – I get that. Breathe – try and stop me! Use curly quotes and apostrophes. Okay.

Accomplished: 124 registrations for the men’s gathering. Developed habits and lost some just like a regular human. Left a message for A-B’s doctor to ask her to call him to discuss his coming to the gathering.

Thinking about: If I had a car, I’d drive with the intention of getting lost just for the pleasure of it. How close I am to giving up on my game and just being fat and weak because it is easy, but you know I don’t like quitting on things unfinished. Being a Grown Up. Loving Authenticity

Q: Crap, what was it again? Oh, yeah, what’s something you have to do that you are currently not doing because you don’t want to do it?

My answer is “A lot of things.” It all starts with getting out of bed. I have a habit of staying there next to my pills where it’s safe and warm; where I can indulge the expansion of my highly entertaining interior world.

Video: https://youtu.be/l4IeNGE2qX8

Reading: Not today.

Learned: We’re almost out of Fs. DA is reviewing the manly course, while I am doing another gay guy gathering. Perhaps we should switch. Jerry Lewis is dead. Eclipse today, but I’m lazy, not enrolled. Back-to-school. Jen will be studying Landscape Architecture and sticking around.

3. Getting a little eclipse bath while listening to the end of “The Bell Jar.” Not dying from eating bad food. Being super gassy from eating the right food. 3.

Seems: Like things are working and I’m simultaneously kidding myself. Like confusion is the source of suffering. Like pills are the structure for keeping disease in existence. Achey seemingly never ends. Tired seems ever-present.

New Habit(s): I wonder if I’ll ever catch up. Take a break. Only drinking things with zero calories. Create and use a Sleep Ritual. Record intake. Plan Ahead. Healthy Fats. Smart Carbs. Lean Protein (at every meal). 5 colors a day. 80% full. Slow down. Make time. Breathe. Start.

Accomplished: 108 registrations, 47 of them in the past 9 days, the rest over six weeks. 11 days to go. I’ll take 36 more. Started watching “Outlander” which is a lot racier than I would expect from a show my mother recommended. Watched several episodes, now I get it.

Thinking about: Reinventing. I like plenty about what I’ve created, but what I’ve created seems to hold me in a sort-of identity.

Q: Can you be still and wait for the right moment to act? How will you know it is the right moment to act?

My answer to the last question, “What are you trying to prove, and to whom?” I’m trying to prove that I’m mostly okay and that I’m getting stronger and on my way to being hotter and more sought-after than ever. This would be an image. I would still likely go home at the end of the day and fall into bed exhausted and alone, and that would really suit me fine.

Video: https://youtu.be/f55QO2isoKM

Reading: Finished “The Bell Jar.” Getting back into “A Thousand Names for Joy” by Byron Katie. A favorite.

Learned: Special Evening about the Landmark Forum could seem really odd if you had never been to one. They have snacks before the Special Evening now. The Landmark Forum in SF is $730, $200 deposit. The registration manager will play a payment plan game with you if you have money concerns. Larry Pearson is leading the next one, mid-Sept. White supremacy is still a thing.

3. The ability to walk several blocks wearing shoes and sitting in a chair for 3+ hours. That Dragonflies don’t bite people. Being powerful in an area of life despite being powerless in another. 3.

Seems: Like I drank the cool-aid and so did lots of other people. Like I ate the donuts but nobody else did. Everything happens at once. Like I’m just making stuff up. Like I should feel lonely, but I don’t – I feel pestered with too much attention.

New Habit(s): Stop taking a break. Take a break. Only drinking things with zero calories. Create and use a Sleep Ritual. Record intake. Plan Ahead. Healthy Fats. Smart Carbs. Lean Protein (at every meal). 5 colors a day. 80% full. Slow down. Make time. Breathe.

Accomplished: One of my guests registered for the Landmark Forum. He is very excited and already getting the aliveness factor from having registered. I get some aliveness from this. Last Friday CMG reg = 66, today (9 days later) 103.

Thinking about: Sleeping for the rest of the day. When I don’t send something that I say on the day I say it, I think about modifying it on the day I send it to match the story I was telling, but sometimes it’s a pretty good idea to let it ride.

Q: What are you trying to prove, and to whom? (and, what course!?)

Video: https://vimeo.com/229969339 (looks fun, hope it works)

Reading: Nothing specific for the past few days. Scrambling. I can’t do as much as I thought I could.

Learned: 32″ Flat Screen was the right size for the front room. I can still do manly stuff like get down on the ground and relight hot water heater pilot lights. Many days go by, and here we are. Spills discombobulate me. I am still used by some version of “I know they won’t like me, so why bother.” By some, I could be perceived as a “pot-bellied, avuncular, classic elder-hippy who gets stoned and talks about Allan Watts and Phish.” Too many projects half done = a hot mess. A broken bottle of ferric chloride = chemical spill.

3. The ability to make something or someone neither wrong nor right. The ability to validate any point of view whilst still wanting to lock people up who have their minds on harming others. 3.

Seems: Like Dan & Lil’ are still on vacation. Like I am way busier than I should be, and doing things I hadn’t planned on. Like it would be easier to not have aspirations that don’t come ready-made. Like I’m on edge, moody, using curse words out of frustration.

New Habit(s) that can return if I be determined, enthusiastic and committed: Take a break (and stuck there) Only drinking things with zero calories. Create and use a Sleep Ritual. Record intake. Plan Ahead. Healthy Fats. Smart Carbs. Lean Protein (at every meal). 5 colors a day. 80% full. Slow down. Make time. Breathe.

Accomplished: Slept 7.5 hours by drinking golden milk in the wee hours. Installed watchable TV in the front room. Watered and fertilized deck garden. Relit pilot lights. Cleaned off that kitchen shelf where the other shelf needs to go. Started the registration game (and things are moving). Various other accomplishments.

Thinking about: Uncomplicating. How to get a break from myself without it being a lay-down fanatic. A new POC certification program for white people. It costs money. It’s a program. A white person can get trained to be a safe haven, an ally, and can wear a badge. The badge has a number. You can flunk out, so then, no badge. Doing a video or audio instruction for the future of inviting men to come to a CMG, since never does the question get asked, “would you like to go? Would you like to register for the gathering?”

Q: That shoe question, again. I want pictures!

Video: https://youtu.be/CK1Px_JHGww?list=RDEDhkxMvpnEE

Reading: This Alan Watts Quote: “Things are as they are. Looking out into the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations.”

Learned: I’m a Daddy – it’s been confirmed. Shema won her game and got the new realm of possibility part we all so eagerly await. The Tattoos of Art. That I can justify my impulse purchasing with the word “Upgrading.”

3. My beautiful new oval covered casserole dish. The new fluffy pillows on my bed. The relative ease of this Monday. 3.

Seems: Like wow, have I taken a break! Like if I display that image of the man in the stilettos, everyone will know more than I want them to know about me. Like getting naked with someone creates a contract.

New Habit(s) that seem to be flying out the window: Take a break. Only drinking things with zero calories. Create and use a Sleep Ritual. Record intake. Plan Ahead. Healthy Fats. Smart Carbs. Lean Protein (at every meal). 5 colors a day. 80% full. Slow down. Make time. Breathe.

Accomplished: Completed Shema’s Game the real way, with a series of questions. Got rid of 2 large cardboard boxes and kraft paper filler only to have another HUGE one come today, full of kraft paper! Received adapters for the A17 LED bulbs and tested – cool white, but keepers.

Thinking about: Not much. What to cook in my new casserole dish. How ladies shoes are just not for me. How much I love days where I don’t have to do much.

Q: I still need your answer about the otherly gendered shoes!

Mine: Obviously I’ve given this some thought. These would be more to live a professional life than to look “cool” – remember, I’m 55 years old and a size 14 in Ladies! “If I wore Ladies Shoes.”

Video: https://vimeo.com/alanjennings/timelines

Reading: Same ’ol, no changes.

 

Learned: that Vivitrol®, a drug used to help with opioid addiction, is marketed directly to judges who preside over drug courts, and becomes part of court-ordered treatment. How and when to fertilize and water the deck garden. Various things about Drupal & CiviCRM that I will forget by the time I need them again. YouTubeTV could be the replacement for Cable TV I’ve been looking for. My brother says I’m “excessive complacent” when I attempt to bring peace to chaos. The new dog who lives upstairs, Hector, has a noisy toy he likes to play with in the middle of the night.

3. Being accepting. Being accepted. That attention to detail can be let go of. 3.

Seems: Like there’s a special “Cat’s Away” freedom when one’s roommate goes traveling. Like it’s going to take getting new furniture to get me to change my lounging habits. That after all the possible scenarios, DA has found an elegant solution to replacing his touring vehicle for the month of August.

New Habit(s): Take a break. Only drinking things with zero calories. Create and use a Sleep Ritual. Record intake. Plan Ahead. Healthy Fats. Smart Carbs. Lean Protein (at every meal). 5 colors a day. 80% full. Slow down. Make time. Breathe.

Accomplished: Scheduled two phone calls I was resisting due to their inherent spontaneous natures.

Thinking about: Changing Everything. Doing things I’ve never done before. Finding new furniture solutions to being comfortable around the house.

Q: If you were female, or male if you are female, what kind of shoes would you wear?

What novelty has taken my attention: I’m going to have to say “the computer” has eaten much of my attention over my lifetime, but the current novelty inside that domain is Instagram, which keeps sending me photos of the Obamas, white men with beards and tattoos, and handsome black men with beards. What algorithm follows me how?

Video: https://youtu.be/xw2OEKAHIhM

Reading: Too many things, as usual, and not enough, naturally.